The MarySue
by Dallas W
Summary: Bashing the overused Mary-Sue character. No offence to anyone... haha.
1. Kidnapped!

I recently saw The Dark Knight, so I browsed around the Batman stories and well..

Wow. So many Mary-Sue characters. Hahaha. So I decided to make a parody.

Yay!

Flames! To heat my cold dead heart!

Let's face it, the Joker could never love anyone. (Except maybe Batman? Read through the comics. it's a possibility.) He cant even remember how he got his scars, much less his past. He's sick, twisted, killed tons of characters.. If you read the old comics, he mercilessly beat Robin to death with an iron pipe.

He would not drastically change and fall in love with you/your character.

SORRY.

Hehe.

Disclaimer! I don't own TDK.

--

Inside a tiny apartment in Gotham, an alarm clock buzzed merrily, awaking the angel under the covers. She propped herself up, tossing her long, beautiful golden blond hair around as if she was in a shampoo commercial. The sun peered through her blinds, and made her gorgeous form, if possible, even more gorgeous.

Peeping toms from across the street wiped their eyes as tears flew down their cheeks at the sight of the beauty. She was truly an angel, a gift from god, a diamond in the rough.

Her name…

Was Mary-Sue.

"Today is going to be oh-so-special. Just hope I don't get kidnapped by some raving lunatic, mugged by the mob, raped, gutted, tortured, blown up, hung, eaten by sharks, attacked by ninjas.."

She continued on with this list of things that would make this day a little less perfect as she got dressed, but hell, when you're that gorgeous, everyday is glamorous!

You see, Mary-Sue was sixteen but lived on her own. She had already graduated head of her class because she was only the smartest girl in all of the United States and Canada, but sadly her parents hadn't been around to share the excitement because they'd both died in a fiery car crash and were the trampled by horses. Her mom had crawled out of the car only to realize it sat on train tracks..

And then was hit by the train in a matter of seconds.

It was a tearful funeral, and only three hours after one of her siblings was shot and killed in a gang fight. Her other sibling later committed suicide by hanging himself. Her grandparents had suffered a fate entirely worse, but that would take up about four to five pages so lets just say they're dead too.

Her parents had never understood her, and had been quite abusive, but somehow she kept on with this disturbingly perky attitude. She truly had a sad past. Did I mention every man in Gotham city loved her? Even some women?

Yes, her beauty lit up the dark and somewhat depressing city and gave people hope ever since Harvey Dent had died.

And Rachel.

Not like they're important to this story anyway.

Or are they?

I could have them rise as zombies at the snap of a finger. I'm an amazing writer.

Not really, I just lied.

I bet I had you going though.

Mary-Sue skipped down the dangerous streets of Gotham in her tight, black, leather mini-skirt. Did I mention she has the most amazing curves in the world? She takes voluptuous to a whole new level. She also sports a pair of double-D's, has long beautiful legs, perfect hair that's not to thick but not thin at all, and the most amazing green eyes you've… Ever laid eyes on?

She also has the most amazing voice ever, can paint, draw, write poetry, write novels, dance, fire guns, do archery, and communicate with animals.

Okay I lied about the last one.

I had you going again, didn't I?

She's a lover, not a fighter.

But she's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

She's a hopeless romantic and a vegetarian.

Mary-Sue is truly the most perfect girl ever to be used in a plot to kill Batman.

"Mary-Sue is truly the most perfect girl to be used in a plot to kill Batman!" Yelled one of Joker's henchmen, clad in the usual outfit that consisted of plain clothing and a clown mask with no eyeholes.

How the hell did they see?

A few of the henchmen stood, cracking their knuckles waiting in a scary alley, that no woman with an common sense would think of using to shorten her way to work. You'd have to be an absolute moron to even think of using it, considering the crime rate in the city, I mean with someone like The Joker who'd just escaped from the mental hospital lurking around, it was the worst possible idea--

"Oh no! I'm going to be late to work!" Mary-Sue stared at her wrist which lacked a watch.

"I guess I'd better take this shortcut! Sure hope I won't be used as a ploy to hurt Batman!" She giggled, now skipping down the alley.

When she entered the scariest and darkest part of the alley, she could see three figures rise in the… darkness? "Who's there?!" She screamed, overtaken by terror.

"We're…" One began.

"The Joker's henchman! Oh Goody goodness! Don't kidnap me!" She shrieked, running up to smack one with her purse.

"Bitch!" One swiped at her, but because of the clown mask could not see so he hit a brick wall and broke his wrist.

"Come here so we can kidnap you!"

"Oh no!" She cried out, hating to see one of the henchmen in pain because after all, joining a gang means one wants to fit in, belong with mankind and probably has many deep and painful memories from childhood.

I guess.

"Let me help you, your wrist is broken!" She kneeled down, holding the man's arm.

"I got 'er!" He yelled, now swiping again to grab her but once again slamming his arm in the brick wall.

The other two henchmen were now in a frenzy to grab her, believing she was the one doing the ass kicking and not the wall.

"Eek!" She shrieked as one of the men lunged at her, but accidentally attacked another henchmen.

A fight between the three ensued for about thirty minutes.

Did I mention some Spartans joined in?

"PREPARE FOR GLORY!" One yelled, narrowly missing hitting Mary-Sue and stabbing one henchmen through the gut in a bloody and disturbing mess, as entrails slid out all over the concrete.

"No, please stop this massacre! I'll go with you, okay?" She began to cry, hating the violence. It reminded her of her childhood.. When her father had lost his mind and cut her mother to ribbons with a kitchen knife, and then had turned to her and cut two indentions in her lips all the while laughing and saying "Why.. So.. Serious.. Son?!"

Wait a minute.

That never happened.

She smacked her forehead, giggling. She was so forgetful sometimes, mixing up her own past with someone else's.

Did I ever tell you she once had step parents?

"You're coming with us!" One of the clown men growled while dragging her, and walking into a brick wall.

"I believe we've established this," She said, stifling a giggle.

"Yes. Okay." He replied, now taking off his mask so he could see.

And they made their way to the Joker's hideout..

DUN DUN DUN.

--

Hahah. One line was taken from a commercial, btw. Find it and review it to me and I will give you a prize!

Joker is in next chapter!


	2. MarySue's prowrestling career!

I never expected to get so many reviews for my first chapter.

Well, actually I did.

But not friendly ones.

More like… 'GO KILL YOURSELF' type reviews.

Ya dig?

Although I liked the ones you guys gave me. They actually made me try and type out this chapter so you'd have something to read tonight.

Oh, and the commercial line. It was from a liquor commercial, about some Spanish actor. "He's a lover, not a fighter. But he's also a fighter.. So don't get any ideas." Yeah. I found it funny at the time.

I only got one flame. ONE. Hahaha saying.. Well, this story is rated 'T' so its best not to type that out. But apparently God hates me. Well, God loves you man. :)

Or so says the flamer.

And do you know how that makes me feel?

…

Actually it doesn't make me feel anything. Lol but thanks for trying.

Want to know my favorite review for Chapter one?!

WayWard Childe totally won. I think that was my favorite part in the movie.. Sure, you can quote things he says, but that laugh at the beginning?

Priceless.

DISCLAIMER! I don't own TDK.

P.S. And I have to add this in before I begin. I love the Reader Traffic thing! This is awesome! Hello readers from TURKEY, FRANCE, ARGENTINA, CANADA, UNITED KINGDOM, SLOVENIA, MEXICO, PUERTO RICO, SWEDEN, AND AUSTRALIA!

:D

--

Mary-Sue was thrown into the back of a white van, because apparently all criminal masterminds own a white van, even the Joker. It's not cliché. Don't look at me like that.

"Don't rape me! I'm a virgin and I'm saving myself for my honeymoon night with my one and only true love! I am also double jointed and extremely flexible and have won several trophies in gymnastics and I was also accepted into the Beijing Olympics but turned it down because I don't believe in competing against other countries to see who is better!" She huffed, after saying such a long sentence without bothering to pause for a single breath.

One henchmen clapped.

Then they all started to clap, even the one that had been killed by a Spartan.

God rest his soul.

They continued down the road after her moving story, listening to rap music. Suddenly a very powerful and moving song came on. Let's just say it was 'Miss New Booty' because I don't listen to rap music that often.

The song began playing, and Mary Sue piped up, automatically knowing all the lyrics.

Her voice was so angelic, all the henchmen were moved to tears, sadly the driver wore contacts and they fogged up so he could no longer see the road. They crashed into a light post in less than five seconds, and then continued the journey to the Joker's hideout on foot.

"Well, we're here." One of the henchmen spouted. I don't really know how he knew, because the clown mask currently covered his face, and the building looked exactly like every other building in this part of the city, worn down and crummy.

Let's just say he was a good guesser.

The door was slammed open, and Mary-Sue was roughly shoved in. Well, not that roughly because in the total five minutes the three henchmen (Including the undead one) had spent together with Mary-Sue, they had all fallen madly in love with her and dreamed of taking her away from this horrible city, settle down in the country and maybe even start a family.

They all sighed in unison dreamily together, but immediately stopped when they remembered their mission.

"Get upstairs!" One ordered in a gruff voice, grabbing Mary-Sue roughly by the arm and dragging her upstairs.

Entering a dark room, she was thrown onto a chair.

People sure like throwing her.

"Why so serious?" A creepy almost high-pitched voice seemed to ooze through the room.

Mary-Sue's eyes widened, and she stared at the madman known only as…

Doctor Octopus.

No, the Joker.

But wouldn't that be a great plot twist?

The six-foot tall man licked his lipstick clad lips, then brushed the greasy looking blonde hair out of his eyes. He looked over Mary-Sue hungrily, and a sneer erupted on his face. (I really don't know why one would look at another hungrily, because I never saw the Joker as being a cannibal, but it's in all the stories so…)

"Well hello beautiful."

"You sick freak! Do whatever you want to me, but I'll never allow myself to be used in a plot to destroy Batman!" Mary-Sue said in a slightly angry tone, but not completely angry sounding because that would just be rude I mean, he invites you to his abandoned hideout, the least you can do is be good company.

"I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught one. I just DO things!"

"And you can forget about making me squeal secrets about Batman, because I'll never tell you his true identity!" Which she knew.. Did I tell you that? She had known all along. Because you see, it wasn't Rachel that was Bruce Wayne's best friend, it was actually Mary-Sue. She'd been there through all of it, and it wasn't Luscious Fox that had made all of Batman's weapons, it was indeed Mary-Sue.

Although she didn't condone the use of weapons, she knew Bruce Wayne would only use them for justice. She had also invented the Fear Serum accidentally when working with Dr. Crane, but had never imagined he was the type to use it for evil.

She had also built the Gotham City Orphanage with her bare hands, and no help from anyone.

And the Pyramids.

And she had regular contact with aliens.

And knew Jujitsu.

She was truly a walking legend.

"Do you want to know how I got these scars?" The Joker said in a light toned voice, that darkened as he said the ending words. He pulled a knife out of nowhere and ran it along his face without cutting it. (He sure pulls things out of nowhere a lot. I'm working on a theory.. Apparently all madmen have a void around them that holds many dangerous weapons. Don't give me that look. I know you believe it too.)

"Actually I know how you got them--"

"You remind me of my father, I hated my father."

"Excuse me?"

"Why so serious?" He shot out, squawking like a parrot. His head then spun in a 360 degree angle and he recited The Batman themesong, which is tricky because there isn't any words to it.

Mary-Sue cocked a brow.

"Is he alright?"

The henchmen suddenly snapped out of their daze. "Oh! I thought he was acting a little off. He's stuck in 'Quote things from the Dark Knight mode'. Hahaha, let me fix him." One of the Henchmen walked over to The Joker and flipped a switch on the back of his neck, so that he could speak normally again. Don't you hate it when you don't have the ability to come up with a dialogue of your own for him, so you make him shout out lines from the movie every five freaking seconds?

The Joker tilted his head to the side, slightly curly hair wavering as he popped his neck. His cold eyes seemed glazed over.

"Boss, what do you want us to do with the girl?" A henchman asked, and the Joker pulled a gun out of nowhere (YOU SEE?!) shooting him down in a matter of seconds.

Mary-Sue gasped, face paling.

The Joker then began to beat her senseless.

After a matter of hours, taking a beating that only a girl as strong and brave as Mary-Sue could stand, he stopped beating her and sat in a chair.

"Why.. Why did you beat me?" She coughed up blood, innocent eyes filling with tears.

"Well…" The Joker began, walking over to a computer that was conveniently placed in this room along the wall. "In every fan fiction, apparently I'm supposed to beat you half to death before I realize the error of my ways and fall head over heels in love with you." He cackled for a few minutes, spinning around in the chair. "Whee!"

"How long will that take?" She pouted, biting her lip suggestively, completely forgetting about her vow to keep her virginity until marriage. What can I say, every woman has a thing for a guy that treats them like they're some kind of punching bag.

I guess.

The Joker gave her a lopsided grin, and put a gloved hand to his wrist, staring at a watch he'd drawn on with permanent marker.

"And here we… Go." He moved both hands as he said this, as if conducting an Opera. I'd like to see that Opera.. I wonder what it would be called. Maybe I can add it in that Joker made the Opera Bruce's parents died in that fateful night.

I could see this working.

His eyes gleamed in a new light, and his face softened, clown make-up draining off his face and his God-like beauty shining through. Well, his beauty was nowhere near Mary-Sue's, of course, but he was okay looking. I guess.

"Marianne. I never meant to hurt you, I.. Couldn't help myself. Everytime I feel like I'm going to fall in love with someone, I nearly beat them to death. Its what madmen do, you know?"

Mary-Sue gave a knowing nod. She's also a psychologist. And a professional wrestler, but that's a totally different story.

"To be honest, the idea of a relationship scares me, considering my dark and horrible past. But I'm willing to try, for you.." He stepped towards her, purple trench coat flopping along around him. He leaned in, inches from her face, and then..

"Boss! It's the Batman!" A henchman wailed from below.

"BATMAN!?" The Joker exclaimed.

"VEGETA, WHAT'S THE SCOUTER SAY ABOUT HIS POWER LEVEL?!" The Henchman questioned.

"Its… OVER NINE THOOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSSSSAAAAAND!" The Joker growled, slamming his fist into Mary-Sue's perfectly formed nose. He then began another one of his merciless beating sprees because that's obviously what all insane men do to their hostages. And of course, despite his strength he never gives her any sort of complication to her health and she's automatically better the next day.

And even more in love with him.

--

Hahaha oh man. I feel so… dirty for writing the Joker out like this. Ew. I think I'll mix it up a bit in the next chapter, because this is WAAAY OOC, even for a parody.


	3. Uh oh NOT ANOTHER RAPE VICTIM!

Yay, reviews! Glorious reviews! -spins around in them before a gigantic pile flies from the heavens and squishes me- oh noes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews!

And I'm super happy I can entertain people with my silly story, but let me get this point across so it doesn't come up anymore.

Look, I know, this is a fan fiction site. And to be honest, I do read romance stories between the Joker and some random OC, but I do tend to like stories better when they're more realistically written, but most times that's not the case, so I'm only putting this out here to show you people not to blow everything way out of proportion.

If you make a character, at least make her realistic.

So make her nothing like this.

The end.

Now enjoy.

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN TDK!

PS. I love how I'm getting love confessions… In almost every few reviews. Ladies and gents, -slicks hair back- I know I'm irresistable, but... Kekeke. If that doesn't get me flames I dont know what will. lmao

PPS. My grandma is visiting today, that's why this chapter will possibly be the last for a bit. Don't worry, I'll hopefully be able to update soon. And that will give you the chance to suggest more ideas for the story! I've already decided to put Joker in the nurse outfit, because, well, thats just sexy. Who wouldn't want THAT walking in the hospital while you were in intensive care?

I know I would.

--

The Joker cracked his knuckles and grinned in such a disturbing way, it made Mary-Sue uneasy.

"Alright! Finally an action scene.." He fell into a fit of cackles before walking towards the door, whistling something that could only be compared to 'Twisted Nerve'. Before slamming the door behind him, he held his head in an odd angle, and it looked as though it might snap off. He then called out..

"Don't let tuts get away now, alright?" He waved in a peculiar manner, making each finger go down in an odd domino looking effect before turning away.

"You heard boss!" One of the henchman spoke loud, nodding to the others.

"Grroaaaaaaagghhhh…" The undead henchman moaned, now gnawing on the other henchman's arm.

Mary-Sue pouted, then began all out wailing.

"What's wrong with her?" One of the henchman asked the other two.

"Uh.." One shrugged, turning to the one currently gnawing on his arm.

"Graaauuwghhh.."

"I know what you sick freaks want!" She sniffled, now unbuttoning her blouse.

All three of them gasped at the same time.

"You want to rape me! Multiple times, possibly at the same time! And there's nothing I can do about it because I'm a poor defenseless teenager and you're all strong, grown men!"

All three of them stared at each other while Mary-Sue tossed her blouse aside and began trying to slip out of her skin tight mini-skirt.

"Woah woah woah, Mary-Sue. We can't do that! We actually have some respect for our boss, we would never do that with his woman. Besides, he already bought you a wedding ring and promised he'd marry you along the pearly white beaches of Jamaica."

"No he didn't." Mary-Sue said flatly.

"Oh well hell. Okay then," one of them laughed maniacally, rubbing his hands together in that evil way that evil people.. Do.

The other henchman slapped him across the face. "Man, come to your senses! We can't do that, she's… underage." He shuddered.

The undead one nodded.

"Eeek!" She cried out, dropping to the ground.

"Why'd you do that?" He asked.

"There's no point in running, because you'll just catch me!" She sniffled, tears streaming down her face. You'd think everyone's face got red and puffy from crying, but not Mary-Sue's. She remained flawless while the tiny tears cut paths down her face.

"No really," The one henchman began, "We're not going to rape you, okay? Now put your clothes on and stand up."

"Just don't harm anyone else in Gotham!" She cried out, shaking a can of whipped cream.

"BOSS! HELP US!" They all shrieked in girly voices, clinging to each other for dear life.

The Joker slammed the door open, an emotionless look on his face.

"How'd the fight with Batman go?" One piped up, still clinging to the other men.

"It was just Adam West again.." He grumbled, before realizing something was amiss.

Mary-Sue was sprawled across the floor, half-naked and badly beaten.

"YOU MONSTERS!! I LEAVE YOU IN HERE FOR TEN MINUTES WITH HER, AND YOU BEAT HER HALF TO DEATH AND RAPE HER!" He had never sounded so angry. No one messed with his woman and got away with. Not even…

"Christopher Walken?!" The Joker exclaimed, just now noticing the man standing in the corner making googly eyes at Mary-Sue, who then burst through the window never to be mentioned again.

"Boss.. We didn't beat her. You did, remember? Earlier?" One suggested, a frown on his face.

"LIES!" The Joker screamed, bitch-slapping the man into oblivion.

The other two stared wide-eyed.

"Uh.."

"Ugh…" Mary-Sue moaned, but not in a pathetic way like all other girls, it was in a strong way. But not too strong, because that would be manly. And no manly sounds ever escape from Mary-Sue's lips.

"Mary-Sue!" Joker gasped, scooping her up in his big, strong arms..

Let's all just take a minute to soak that in and pretend it was me in his arms.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Joker carried her into a bedroom, laying her on the bed and covered her with his purple trench coat. I mean, I guess he could go get her clothes, but that would take away from the sexiness, you know? And you know me and my stories. I always bring sexy back. Always.

Not really.

I just made that up too.

"If only I had tried harder to save you.. If only I had.." Tears began to form in his eyes as the theme from Titanic played in the background.

WAIT.

WAIT.

NO, THAT'S TOO MUCH.

EVEN FOR ME.

Lets totally forget I ever wrote that and have him sitting on the edge of the bed watching the Gotham News, despite the fact he's apparently in an abandoned warehouse that has no electricity.

Mary-Sue awoke with a stir as Joker sat on the edge of the bed, discussing what was on the T.V.

"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.." He snorted.

"Joker.." She said weakly, reaching out for him..

POW!

He back-handed her and turned to her with deep, cold eyes.

"Don't ever scare me like that again." He then held her again in his big, warm, strong arms…

Yeah.

That's still nice.

"Joker.." She said softly. "Tell me about you."

"Wanna know how I got this scars..?" He grinned, shoving her roughly off of him.

"But-" She began, but he cut her off sharply.

"I was working at McDonalds, using the patty cutter. Well, I started making out with the patty cutter because I did a lot of LSD back then--"

Mary-Sue stared.

"And then I was attacked by the HamBurgler! He slapped the back of my head, and I hit it at just the angle that my mouth got split," He ran a finger across his lips, "Just like this."

Mary-Sue was wide-eyed. "Are.. Are you serious?"

"Do I look like someone who's ever serious?" He frowned.

"Can I have a hint?"

"It depends."

"Depends on…?" Mary-Sue questioned, already understanding what he was getting at. She began taking off what remainder of clothes she had left.

The Joker then proceeded to beat the living hell out of her, but not before a window crashed open and Batman was thrown into the equation.

"Joker, you sick cross-dressing clown and cheap imitation of IT, I will now proceed to kick your ass!" Batman growled, grabbing Joker and throwing him down the stairs.

"Mary-Sue, you stay here. I've got some unfinished business to attend to…" He began to turn away, his cape going all 'woosh' in the wind that came from the broken window.

"Wait!" She cried out, grabbing his arm. "Who are you, strange masked man?!"

"… Weren't we childhood friends or something?"

She shook her head.

He looked at his costume.

"Can't you tell who I am?"

She shook her head.

"There's a picture of a… on my chest."

"A hickey?" She asked.

"What? No! No, its an animal! Damn, woman!" He rubbed his temples.

Mary-Sue stared long and hard.

"An elephant?"

He sighed irritated.

"I'm… A three letter word, man."

"Catman?"

"Try again. A creature than can fly."

"Birdman?"

"FOR GODSAKE'S WOMAN, IM BATMAN! BATMAN! BIRD IS A FOUR LETTER WORD!" He screamed at her, and her eyes immediately filled with tears.

He sighed.

"Sorry, I'm just really angsty lately. Apparently I'm not supposed to let go of my feelings for Rachel until we officially meet, without my mask. I'm Bruce Wayne, billionaire extraordinaire. Owner of Wayne enterprises. Your other love interest. Anyway, I must be off. Goodbye, Mary-Sue," He kissed her hand, before flying down the stairs to continue kicking more ass.

Because that's what Batman does.

Kick ass.

"Goodbye, Fatman.." Mary-Sue said dreamily, softly touching the hand he'd kissed.

--

If you're questioning my Joker story, before you ask-- Yes, there is such a thing as a patty cutter. No, it would not be wise to make-out with it. Or do LSD. Or do drugs while on a job.

DANANANANAANANANANAANANAAAA BATMAAAAAAN!!


	4. I believe in MarySue

Sorry if this isn't as funny as the last few, but I'm kind of sick to my stomach.. And grandma's here until Tuesday... So I've decided to hide in my room to escape her wrath. lmao

And I felt guilty after getting so many reviews, so I typed this out. I tried my best, okay? -sad eyes-

You know you love me.

-eye twitch-

I loved most of the ideas suggested, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to all of your reviews. I don't really know if you guys care if I reply or not..

Well, anyway.

Hope you enjoy.

I LUFFLES YOU ALL

DISCLAIMER! I don't own TDK!

--

Mary-Sue looked out the window, noticing the cops had arrived. They must've realized she had been kidnapped for a total of an hour and five minutes. She wiped tears away, hating to part with the man she loved.. But she'd known all along it couldn't work. She was, after all, Commissioner Gordon's oldest step-daughter. His pride and jewel.

He had commented time after time at numerous Christmas parties how much more beautiful Mary-Sue was than his real daughter.

Mary-Sue sighed humbly, wiping tears from her eyes. They were so much more loving than her actual parents.

A loud crash was heard below, and Mary-Sue quickly hurried down the stairs.

Well, actually she fell down them because she's very accident prone.

But that only makes her even more adorable.

So everyone just lets it slide.

When she finally tumbled down to the final step, she landed perfectly on her feet.

Some henchmen stopped the fight with Batman to clap, and held up signs that read '10'. She bowed, smiling sweetly and giving one of those Miss America waves.

They then began cheering.

Batman had beaten the Joker nearly to a pulp, then threw him to the ground and pulled his HANDCUFFS OF JUSTICE! From his utility belt. "Joker, get on your knees." He growled.

Don't you dare think about this in a dirty way.

The Joker stared up at him, licking his lips.

"Don't get all gay on me fatso."

Batman then poised to kick him again, but Joker grabbed his leg and threw him to the ground. Standing up, he cracked his neck.

"I reckon' there ain't enough room in the… room for the two of us." The Joker spat, running his fingers through his hair. He was now wearing a cowboy hat and ass-less chaps.

What? If people can't write him at least a little bit correctly, I'm going to go all out and make this completely off.

"Well, spank my ass and call me Debbie!" Batman shouted, standing up. "It appears I've soiled myself from the sheer impact of the floor hitting my head!"

"Is that a bat-a-rang in your pants, or are you just excited to see me?" The Joker giggled, spinning around about the room.

"How much do you know about… Davy Jones? Savvy?" Batman asked, chugging a bottle of rum.

"One ring to rule them all…" The Joker snorted, tossing a Lord of the Rings DVD to the side.

SEVERAL OVER-USED MOVIE LINES LATER…

The cops drug The Joker away, and he turned to Mary-Sue one last time, winking at her.

She winked back, but her left eye was bruised so bad it was swollen shut, so he only thought she blinked.

"Have a nice trip, see you next fall," A cop said, opening the door.

"SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" The Joker shrieked before they slammed the door to the patrol car. Mary-Sue sniffled, realizing she'd lost the love of her life. Remembering all those times, the good and the bad, she slowly realized..

"I'm still in my bra and underwear!" She gasped, wondering why all the cops couldn't seem to keep their eyes off of her. Batman turned from a cop he was discussing the Joker with, then said goodbye to all of them.

"Peace out, girl scouts." He waved and then drove away in the bat car.

The Joker glared out of the window in the car, swearing to be with Mary-Sue again one day.

"I swear to be with Mary-Sue again one day.." He stared, as Mary-Sue now flaunted herself to the policemen asking for a ride.

"That's hot." Paris Hilton motioned to Mary-Sue, wiping some mascara off her face.

"You're damn right."

A DAY LATER…

Mary-Sue walked into her job, wearing a tank top and a very skimpy blue-jean mini-skirt. She held her head high, trying not to let people know she would probably be more emotionally scarred than she already was. Must. Stay. Perky.

"Dallas!" She hummed, tossing her beautiful hair around in a circular motion while all the men in their cubicles stood up, jaws nearly dropping to the floor. "MY GOD, IT'S MARY-SUE! WE'VE MISSED YOU, O' GODESS OF INFINITE BEAUTY!" They then bowed down and worshiped her.

"Dallas!" She prodded the black-haired teen in skinny jeans who sat in the business office, currently transfixed on the fish swimming around in the tank on the desk.

"Why the hell am I here?" Dal asked no one in particular, then peered over a paper. "Shame-less self inserts.. Haha, oh yeah. Durrrr."

Clipping a clip on tie to look more the part of an office worker, Dallas smirked.

Have I ever told you I look great in a tie?

Hm. Maybe I should quit being such a narcissistic asshole and continue on with the story.

"I'm so in love with her.. I've divorced my ugly wife to marry her, and today's the day.." A man said happily, clutching a wedding ring that currently had a finger on it.

"Chuck! I thought what we had was special!" The woman who owned that finger then began sobbing uncontrollably.

"Shut up bitch!" He ordered, kicking her out the window of a ten story work office.

"Hey!" Another man yelled. "You can't do that!"

Chuck gasped, suddenly remembering murder was one of the 'no-no's' at work.

"You can't give Mary-Sue that ring because I'm already going to marry her!" He said angrily.

"Alright, which one of you sons a bitches said that they're going to marry my Mary-Sue?!" Another man yelled, clutching an AK-47.

Chuck and Bob pointed at one another, and in no time were blown to bits.

Dallas then walked out of the office, wanting a soda. Mary-Sue gleefully trailed behind, leaving the bloody massacre to end its self. "It's time to duel!" A man cried out, now beginning a Kill Bill style battle with another man.

.. A FEW MINUTES LATER..

Dallas was focused on a newspaper while Mary-Sue jabbered on.

"Don't you remember, Dally-Wally? Bruce, you, Rachel and I were all the best of friends! You silly banana, how come you keep ignoring me? Do.. Do you not want to be friends anymore..?"

"Did you just call me a bana-"

"Oh! What're you reading?" Mary-Sue exclaimed, completely forgetting about the emo teen's ignorance to her sad plight.

"Oh, uh.. They're looking for a new mayor since Dent died." Dallas mumbled. "Apparently they're having some kind of rally today that's conveniently placed right outside our work. Go figure."

A light bulb went up above Mary-Sue's head.

"I'm going to be the new mayor!" Mary-Sue said happily, running out of the office and to the rally.

"Oh god.. What have I done.." Dallas spoke. "Woof woof! MEOW! QUACK--" Then promptly exploded.

A crowd stood, listening to a fat man on the stand.

"And, I promise to lower taxes, feed and clothe the poor, try my hardest to get the mob out of this city, capture the Batman, and fix this beautiful town up the way it should be!" He spoke out, raising a fist.

Because when you raise your fist everything looks professional.

"Wait!" Mary-Sue yelled, stepping up on stage.

"My god, she's beautiful!" A man screamed, then they all began to scream. After a few minutes, they even all stood up and clapped and cheered. "Our new mayor, Mary-Sue!"

"Yeaaah!"

"Woo!"

"Hurraay!"

The pudgy runner up for mayor looked flabbergasted. "What.. What makes you think she's even qualified to be the mayor of this city?! You don't even know what she stands for! Don't you want to fix Gotham, and change the way things are now?" The man huffed, red-faced and angry.

The crowd went quiet. "We.. Hadn't really thought of that." One piped up.

"Mary-Sue," The pudgy man asked. "What are your ideas to fix the city?"

"I like cupcakes!" She grinned, twirling in a circle to show off her glossy thighs.

So It was decided.

Mary-Sue was the new mayor of Quahog..

I mean Gotham.

"Mary-Sue's the new mayor.." Bruce said, glancing at his television. Then rewinding it and putting it in slow motion to get a better look at her sexy legs. "Thank god for Tivo.."

"You got that right." Alfred agreed.

"So it is decided, I will have a party for Mary-Sue. I can see her making changes to this town." Bruce nodded, now making out a list of guests..

--


	5. Batman's Identity Revealed!

I appreciate people liking the story, really I do, but let's not get carried away. Don't start telling me in reviews or e-mails who has a 'Mary-Sue' in their story. I honestly don't want anyone to flame anyone. This is ALL in good fun, nothing more. And I won't hesitate to delete my story if it's destroying other people's writing dreams. Believe it or not, I'm just like you guys.

Except I do a lot of cocaine and sleep with prostitutes.

Lmao.

Anyway, DISCLAIMER! I DON'T OWN TDK!

PS. HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

PPS. The ballroom scene is coming up, so I decided.. Why not add in people..?

If you wish to have you/your character (They can be Mary-Sue types, too) BE SURE TO INCLUDE IN YOUR REVIEW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, ETC.

YEAH, SON!

--

The Joker sat in the psychology room dwindling his thumbs and grinning evilly. He was going to make sure they never wanted to work here again. Impatiently he began to wonder if they were late. Or not going to show up. Feeling slightly sad now at the passing of three minutes with no human contact, The Joker reverted to his normal state of an amoeba.

"Squeeee…" He hissed, wiggling along the floor.

"I'm here! Sorry I'm late," That unmistakable voice sang through all of the asylum, it was as if a choir of angels had walked through the door.

"Mary-Sue?" Joker gasped, jumping up from the floor and wiping drool from his mouth as he'd tried to suck nutrients from the tile floor.

Because that's what amoebas do.

Don't question my logic.

"You're my psychologist?" Joker asked, as if he was the nerdy kid paired in high school with the super sexy cheerleader who'd won the wet T-shirt contest three years in a row.

"Yup!" She giggled. "I guess I forgot to tell you. I work everyday of the week to keep my apartment despite my extremely high grade-point average and the angelic looks that could get me booked into any modeling agency I wanted, I prefer to work unnecessarily hard for every penny I earn so I can be pitied as the poor girl."

"You poor thing." Joker said as he spat lint and other assorted objects from his mouth.

"It's a hard life.." She sighed, eyes crossing slightly as they left focus from the Joker. "Anyway! Tell me about you!" She smiled, holding out a pencil and paper.

"Wanna know how I got these scars?" He grinned, pointing to them. "I had this job as a kid, mowing lawns. And one day the weed-wacker went all crazy on me and--"

"Joker," She said, resting her hand on his knee. "That's a great idea. Tell me about your life, starting from when you were a kid."

He furrowed his brows, slightly irritated that she'd cut off his newest scar story, but.. Should he really tell her his childhood? No one knew who he was. Not even the henchmen he'd kept around for years knew the truth.. But, something about Mary-Sue.. He knew he could trust her. She currently sat on a chair, staring off into space with a big stupid grin on her face. Sighing, he began..

"Well, when I was born, my mother dropped me off at an orphanage in a remote town in North America. I was later adopted by a family, but they believed I was evil.. So one day my step mom beat me over the head with a rock and dropped me in a well, trying to kill me. She closed the top, and left me there. Unbeknownst to her, I was alive for seven days. I later died, but my spirit lived on through cursed videotapes.." He inhaled deeply, eyes twitching. "And then, I crawl back through the well and steal their SOULLL!!" The Joker cackled maniacally, throwing his hands in the air.

"That was Samara's story from the movie The Ring." Mary-Sue frowned, chewing on her pencil.

"They stole it from my life."

"No they didn't."

"DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO BALL THIS, BITCH!" Joker growled, raising his hand.

"Alright, tell me about the later years of your life." She started up again, tapping the pencil against her clipboard.

"Hmmm.." He thought back, dwindling a strand of his hair on his finger.

"I was happily married to my husband in Japan for quite a few years, but he believed I'd been sleeping with an American journalist, so he killed my son…" He sniffled, wiping away tears. "And then drowned my son's cat. He then knocked me down the stairs, and I broke my neck and died. But my soul still lived on in the house, holding a… Grudge." He finished, staring blandly at her. "Did you right all that down?"

"That was Kayako's story from the Grudge." Mary-Sue frowned.

"NO IT WASN'T!" The Joker said defiantly.

"Well, this has been nice." Mary-Sue smiled pleasantly. "But I really must be going to a party Bruce Wayne is having for me. I'm the new mayor, you know."

Joker's jaw dropped.

"PARTY?"

"Yepsi-doodles!" Mary-Sue stood up, slamming the door behind her. "And I'm in love with Batman!" She called out behind her.

"Wait!" The Joker yelled, re-opening the once shut door. "Why.. Why would you do this to me? You know how much I love you! And how I'll even give up my life of crime and sadistic ways to be with you! Besides, what's Batsy got that I don't have?"

"I like guys that live up to their name." She shrugged. "For a guy named Joker, you don't joke around very much."

"Wha.." The Joker started, distraught. "How does Batman live up to his name, anyway?!"

"He's a vampire." Mary-Sue spoke seriously. "That's why he only comes out at night… And he's madly in love with me and more of a man than you could ever be." She cooed.

Oooo.

I smell Vampire-styled fanfics spawning in the Batman category as we speak.

Delicious.

"Let me tell you a joke!" He pleaded, dropping to his knees.

"Ugh. Fine." Mary-Sue groaned, putting her hands on her hips.

"Two peanuts were walking down the street, and then one was ASSAULTED! Peanut." He grinned.

"That wasn't funny." Mary-Sue frowned.

"Okay, okay.. Let me tell you another. A Shetland pony goes to the doctor, and the doctor asks 'what's wrong' and the pony replies, 'oh, I'm a little horse'." The joker's final attempt proved not to work as Mary-Sue didn't even smile.

"That was even more pathetic than the first time. I'm sorry Joker, but I'm in love with Bruce Wayne.. I mean Batman. I mean Bruce Wayne's secret identity isn't Batman. Don't even think that for a second because it isn't true. Don't think it. Just pretend you never heard anything. Well, toodles!" Mary-Sue waved before frolicking off amongst the patients and doctors.

"Dammit. The real me would've had amazing jokes. I only lost because Dallas sucks at being funny." Joker growled, stamping his foot. "Mary-Sue, I'll get you. And you're little dog too. Ehehehehehe!" He cackled, grabbing a broom from the hallway and proceeding to sweep down the hallway at super-human speed.

Wait a minute! Joker dropped the broom, an idea hatching in his head.

"Peep peep peep," Is what the idea would've said if it was a baby chicken.

Anyway.

"I'll crash Bruce Wayne's party! And then kill him! And Batman! So she'll have to love me and only me!" He spun in a circle, obviously this plan was unbeatable. Now, just to escape from the asylum.

He peered over at the man in charge of the doors.

Currently the man was bashing his head on and off the button in perfectly time intervals so that the Joker could slip out easily and run off into the city.

NO!

TO RISKY.

He turned to one of the nurses, who was asleep, drooling everywhere. Scrunching his nose up, he walked out of this room and to another, slightly wondering why they let a convicted killer and madman do whatever he wanted.

Shrugging, he grabbed a nurse and went into the utility closet. A muffled scream was heard, but that was all. Then, he came out of the closet..

Wait a minute.

DON'T EVEN SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BECAUSE IT'S WRONG.

HE'S IN LOVE WITH MARY-SUE.

I WASN'T USING A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

Dressed as a nurse, Joker grinned. The perfect disguise to walk right out of the doors, no questions asked. He had to admit, the skirt was a little short, but eh.

Who cares?

Walking through the doors, he rubbed his hands together evilly, then felt stupid as clown henchman ran in te way he'd come.

"We're gonna save you, boss!"

"Don't worry!"

"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!" One screamed, clutching a spear.

Joker slapped his forehead.

But wait.. What had Mary-Sue said earlier?

Bruce Wayne.. Batman.. Bruce Wayne.. Batman..

It couldn't be..

Could it?

"Ooo! A nickel!" Joker bent down and picked it up. "Shiny!"

"Woaaaah!"

"Hey Baby!"

"Wanna go for a ride in the Batcar?!"

BATCAR?!

"Batman, you son of a bitch! I'm going to kill you for--" Joker stopped, feeling stupid.

Adam West walked out of a taxi cab, running his fingers through his hair seductively. "I've always had a thing for blondes."

"I'm a man." Joker spat.

"But I.. But.." Adam protested, lip quivering.

"Look," Joker patted Adam's shoulder tenderly. "It would've been an interesting plotline, me and you getting together. But sadly, I don't think it would work out. Perhaps some other writer.. Far off, out there, would write it." He smiled reassuringly.

Adam West smiled.

"You think?"

"HELL NO!" Joker screamed, bitch-slapping the C-grade actor.

TO BE CONTINUED!!

IN THE NEXT EPISODE, JOKER DISCOVERS HIS TRUE IDENTITY, BRUCE WAYNE FALLS FOR A VERY RENOWN POKEMON, AND MARY-SUE UNCOVERS THE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD… STAY TUNED.

--


	6. INSERT CATCHY TITLE HERE

Writing this just about killed every bit of energy left inside me. Lmao

I had trouble coming up with ways to fit everyone in, so PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP/ WERE MENTIONED AS ASSASSINS you have a silly extra plotline that's in the next chapter.

Because I can do that.

I have also murdered all your characters.

Because I can do that.

MWHAHAHAAH!

Owned.

DISCLAIMER! I DON'T OWN THE DARK KNIGHT, BUT IF I DID IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE

With Tom Cruise as a guest star

TOODLES

REVIEW ME STUFF. IM SO ALONE.

--

Cameras flashed and people yelled outside Wayne Manor, getting ready for the party. Ryan Seacrest stood in front of everyone, grinning stupidly like he usually does. He had a 'I'm cool' pin on his shirt and was interviewing everyone that got into the party, or died trying.

Bruce didn't put up with crap from anyone, so he'd hired an elite firing squad to mow down any people that weren't on the list.

Being rich has its perks.

Sadly while Ryan Seacrest was interviewing someone he stepped a bit to close to the front doors of Wayne Manor and was then mowed down by thousands of shots of gunfire and eaten by small, cannibalistic orphans.

Now let's go back to the real story.

Mary-Sue stood in a sea of rich people, nervously fidgeting with her dress. She wasn't very confident despite the big knockers that were nearly slipping out of her tiny, pink dress that left very little to the imagination. Women envied her. Men wanted to date her. She couldn't deal with all this attention that she got everyday but somehow it was different when it was rich people looking up and down your body like hungry gorillas in a cage.

She almost turned to walk out, when Alfred walked up with a bunch of champagne.

"How about a little liquid courage?" He winked at her.

"No thanks, I quit heroin years ago." Mary-Sue smiled. Did I tell you that? She had done drugs to escape the pain of losing her horribly abusive parents. She quit cold turkey, too. Mary-Sue was truly a role model for children of all ages.

"Its champagne." Alfred frowned.

"Oh! Thanks Jeeves." She reached for the champagne class, but because of her clumsiness knocked it over which caused the other glasses to fall over on the tray, spilling them all over Alfred and on her own dress.

"Ooops! I'm so sorry!" She cried out, staring at her ruined dress.

Oh no.

It was dry-clean only.

And that meant..

In a matter of seconds, her tiny dress began to shrink and then promptly ripped off, leaving her standing in her bra and underwear.

"Hahah! Isn't she adorable?" A man commented, smiling brightly.

Everyone laughed along, then began cheering.

"We all love you, Mary-Sue!"

Alfred grumbled something about a dumbass bitch ruining his suit, and left the party.

Of course, in everyone's blind stupor over Mary-Sue's sudden incident, they hadn't noticed Bruce Wayne arrive with three slutty women and one Puerto Rican cross dresser. Shhhhhh.

Bruce Wayne made his entrance, but was slightly annoyed to find out.. No one cared that he'd entered. Everyone was looking at Mary-Sue. The woman of the hour, the beauty amongst all you beasts. "Hey-" He started, but was cut-off.

"Mary-Sue, we just love you oh so much! In fact, I'd love for you to take my hand in marriage despite the fact that I'm a woman! I wonder if gay marriage is legal in Gotham?" The woman asked aloud, and everyone just stood there.

"No, I'm marrying her!" Another girl screamed, tackling her. Oddly enough there happened to be a mud pit in the middle of Bruce Wayne's mansion so everyone's attention quickly went to the squealing, hissing girls bent on marrying their true love.

I guess.

Bruce Wayne erupted into a fit of tears, biting his lip.

"For god's sakes, Master Wayne, have some dignity." Alfred glared, currently sporting a new suit. A leisure suit, in fact. He was wearing a fro, too. And had bitches all around him.

Because everyone needs a few good bitches.

"It's my party, I can cry if I want to!" He sobbed wildly now, flinging cake and other assorted objects at the inattentive guests.

Alfred rolled his eyes, then his gaze met with someone… unsuspected.

Could it be..?

A man entered the room, walking past the crazy mud pile mess. Sporting a pimp cane and a pimp hat with a feather, women flocked around him like.. What animals live in a flock? Sheep?

Yeah, women were flocked around him like sheep. He was at least six feet tall, with a cold, cruel gaze. Jeans, a white T-shirt, and a cape. Like a vampire. He was pale, too. With a wry grin, he walked to the bar, and the women followed in suit, like baby ducklings following their mother.

Quack quack quack.

Anyway.

Alfred turned his gaze to a young woman fluting a beer bottle, she had fair hair and was wearing a cute dress, unlike Mary-Sue's attire. She had a cold and steely gaze, and grinned at Alfred's shocked expression.

Could it be..?

"Murray-Sam and Ri.." Alfred said in a dark voice, moon walking away.

They were both elite assassins, no doubt. And looking for the bounty on Alfred's head. Alfred grimaced, knowing what he had to do. He had to end this.

"Master Wayne, I'm leaving." He said coolly before moon-walking out.

"Whatever." Bruce sniffled, arms still crossed.

The live entertainment soon began, and a girl in high heels, no seriously, they were HIGH HEELS, must've been like six inches or so off the ground. Her voice was soft and sweet, and brought the moronic yuppies attention to her in a matter of moments as she sang 'I will possess your heart'.

"Beautiful," One man said, wiping a tear away.

Once she finished, she began a new song that lead to her demise.

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you--" She yelled out, and the rich people were furious.

"That bitch is rick-rolling us! SHOOT HER!" One screamed, and they all pulled out guns and shot her to pieces in a matter of seconds.

Yes, because all rich people carry guns.

And I didn't tell you guy's you'd get amazing parts in my story.

"I will… Have revenge…" She said, sputtering out blood and then died a slow and miserable death because the cannibalistic orphans had somehow gotten into the party.

ANYWHO.

Mary-Sue, who was currently ignored, stood in the corner. The dark one, you know? In every party where you generally find the cool kids. Like me.

Not really.

An arm snaked its' way around Mary-Sue's waist, and dragged her off into the darkness, kidnapping her! "Eek!" She cried out, but was soon out like a light because he placed a washcloth over her mouth with chloroform on it.

Can anybody say…

PLOT TWIST?

Sam and Aubrey, two teenage girls that had snuck into the party had seen this, but cared little because they apparently dislike Mary-Sue.

It's jealousy, you know.

Sadly they were kicked out because no minors at an adult party.

"Hey! Watch it! I'll kick your ass if you bruise me!" Aubrey yelled, fighting against the security.

Sam rolled her eyes and sighed.

"It was your idea. You're stupid, dumb, idea. I don't know how else to characterize me so I will continue to say pessimistic things. Moronic, foolish.." She continued.

A girl named Lindsay stood in the middle of the crowd, in a white gown because that's just me telling you guys I lack the originality for a pretty dress. I don't wear dresses.

Just use your damn imagination.

Sighing, she crossed her arms.

She wished she hadn't of come.. Everyone seemed to be absolute lunatics around here. She took a sip of her champagne, and then eyes went wide at the sound of a gunshot.

"Oh my god!"

People were in a frenzy and state of panic as a very pissed off Joker entered the room..

And he was dressed as a…

Nurse?

Lindsay cocked a brow.

This was too weird.

"Alright.. Where's the man of the hour?" He grinned maliciously, throwing his nurse cap to the ground and clacking around in high heels.

Some moron decided to giggle at the sight of the villain in drag, and was blown to bits by his clown army that had followed him in.

"Man of the hour? You mean.. Harvey Dent?" A guy in glasses questioned.

Joker rolled his eyes.

"No, Mary-Sue!" He said viciously.

"Oh, why didn't you say so? We have no idea." A girl piped up.

"Wait! Don't take Mary-Sue, Take me!" A woman cried out, now clinging to a very frightened Joker.

She had honey blond locks, sculpted cheek bones, a daintily curved nose, full, blossoming rosebud lips, and big startling eyes, she had always been a celebrity in the making with her movie star good looks.

Joker quickly shoved her off and started across the room to Lindsay, frowning.

"Where.. Is.. Mary-Sue?" He pulled a knife, softly touching it across her neck.

"I don't know!" She cried out, and her eyes began to glisten with tears.

He cackled, obviously enjoying this. I can't tell you what he enjoyed more, picking on women or cross-dressing.

I'm guessing it's the latter.

"Y'know, you're not so bad looking. If I didn't have a fetish for kinky, disturbing bat costumes with middle-aged billionaires in them, I would probably date you."

"Then you're gonna love me!" Bruce Wayne shot out, punching the Joker.

"Oi! Why'd you punch my beautiful face?" Joker asked aghast. "I've never done anything to you!"

GASP!

Bruce had forgotten to change into Batman because he was too busy bitching about his party!

"I've got explosive diarrhea!" Bruce screamed, fleeing the scene.

Everyone just kind of stared.

The Joker looked at his watch, then turned to Lindsay.

"So you come here often?"

She shook her head, and then Batman burst through the doors and punched The Joker.

"Then you're gonna love me!" He repeated.

"Oh my god!"

"It's the Batman!"

"I leik Mudkips!"

"OH DEAR GOD, MY ORGANS HAVE BURST THROUGH MY CHEST, HELP ME! DON'T JUST STAND AROUND, HELP MEEEE!" One party guest screamed, spewing blood and guts everywhere for no apparent reason.

The Joker licked his lips.

"Very poor choice of words," He said, kicking a small puppy out the window.

"That's not mine." Batman shrugged.

"Oh. Well then." He grabbed Lindsay, throwing her out the window.

"YEEEEEKKK!!" She screamed.

"RACHEL!" Batman yelled, jumping out the window.

The Joker gasped after killing every single person at the party, noticing a scribbled note that said someone had kidnapped Mary-Sue!

"I'll save you!" Joker shrieked, clacking down the hallway in his high heels.

--


	7. Smokin' Alfred

HAHAHAHAHAheheheHAHAHA

HAW.

Oh maaaan.

Let me tell you about my exciting day. I know you all read my author's notes, because they're all just so damned interesting.

Me and Josh snuck into Batman, technically we bought tickets to the Mummy 3, but within the first.. I don't know. Let's just guesstimate. Five minutes, maybe? I got bored of it and we snuck into Batman, 'cause we're sneaky.

He memorized every single line to that movie. Lmfao it was hilarious. Well, not all lines. Just Joker's. Of course.

BUT BUT BUT…

Rachel Dawes dying.

Holy hell.

It gets better EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Its like..

"Oh, well someone will come--" BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

YOU'RE DEAD, YOU TWO-TIMING WHORE

PAHAHAHAHA!!

And we laughed. And we laughed. And we laughed.

And people stared at us like we were sick.

But anyway. More things happened, like I got my schedule and such, but eh. This isn't some kind of live journal, here. So here we are.

Here's the chapter.

Nothing makes any sense in it. Don't bother trying to understand it.

Disclaimer! I don't own TDK

--

EVER WONDER WHAT ALFRED DID WHEN JOKER AND BATMAN FOUGHT?

NO?

ME EITHER!

BUT HERE'S MY IDEA OF WHAT WENT ON!

Cruising down the road in his shag van, Alfred looked G'd up from his head to his feet. Sporting a fro and a grill, he was irresistible to ladies of all ages. Gotham was a dangerous city, and he was just the man to make it even more..

Dangerous.. -er.

Yeah, I invented a word for him just to show you how dangerous he is.

He was a drug dealer, part time because everybody knows butlers don't make that much money. He was also an indie singer that was bent on telling everyone how gloomy the word was, from the point of view of a boy who sat in a wheelchair for one day in Wal-Mart and got pushed down the stairs.

Cruising down the street of Gotham, he smiled.

I'm not great at keeping Alfred in character.

Or describing the streets in which you drive on.

"Nice night to be driving," Alfred said, "On a road."

"Yeah.." All the girls said hotly, drooling of over the car because of the eighty year old man's delicious chest hairs that seemed to be sticking out of the leisure suit.

Alfred glanced into the mirror, catching sight of a pimpmobile gaining on him.

OH NO.

IT WAS ONE OF THE ASSASSINS!

Haha, have you ever noticed assassin has 'ass' twice in it?

Hokay, back to the chapter.

Murray-Sam! In all his glory was now tailing Alfred in the shag van.

OH NO!

Murray-Sam pulled out a shotgun and began trying to blow out Alfred's tires, but then luckily a rocketship fell out of the sky from China's space program and he died in a fiery, disturbing mess.

"Wow!" Crystal, a girl with brown spikey hair walked out of the theatre in a cute hoodie and jeans. "Mama Mia was amazing!" She grinned, spinning around in the street happily.

"Good to be me, Crystal! Good to be alive!"

Alfred then hit her with his shag van.

"OH MY GOD!" He screamed, then backed up to see if she was okay.

"You can break my bones, but you can't break my spirit!" She cried out, spitting blood everywhere.

Sadly he backed over her body and broke her spirit. Then, decided it was time to hit the road.

So he got out of the van and smashed the asphalt with a hammer.

Oh, look at that pun.

Hahaha. POW!

A gun was fired at him, and he quickly turned around to stare at none other than the elite assassin, Ri!

"Ri, you she-devil! I don't know how British people talk so I will now proceed to say Blimey! And Bullocks!"

Ri shot at him a few more times, and Alfred amazing dodged it like Neo from the Matrix.

Only he hurt his back because he's old.

"Dangnabbit! The blow from the guns bullets has made my false teeth fly from my mouth! Now I'm utterly helpless!" He cried out in pain.

Luckily a leprechaun was around to give him the magic faerie dust to put Ri back into her lamp that looked surprisingly like a bong.

"Nooooooo!" She cried out, before retracting herself back into the lamp.. Bong thing, that was a lovely shade of violet purple.

"Thanks Urchin man!" The Leprechaun said before riding off on a unicorn into the fiery gates of hell.

Alfred laughed a full and hearty laugh before realizing he'd forgotten to put on depends.

"Oh no." He said sadly, walking a long and shameful walk back home, despite the fact he had a car to drive.

"Donde esta la nino?" Alfred asked a small puppy he'd come across along his walk of shame.

"Si! Yo tengo pastel in la bano!" The puppy barked.

"Jajaja! Tonto perro, Trix are for kids!" He laughed before shooting the puppy to pieces in front of a small child that owned him.

"Why'd you shoot my dog, mister?" The kid asked, horrified.

"Because you touch yourself at night, you sick bastard!" Alfred shrieked, joining his monkey brethren and swinging back to Wayne manor.

"It's good to be me. Alfred. I wish I had a last name." He sobbed wildly, realizing the hi-light of his chapter was over.

So he baked a pie.

He baked it good.

And he made Bruce eggs for breakfast.

Eggs and pie.

The breakfast of kings.

He then entered a long and sad crack cocaine addiction and died of overdose.

But then was revived because I need him in this story.

Despite the fact all he ever contributes to anything in any of these damned fanficitons is saying "Master Wayne" I mean, damn. He makes Bruce sound like some creepy male dominatrix.

Oh, Master Wayne.

You devil you.

If you haven't pressed the back button by now you're an utter and complete moron.

Alfred lived on in the hearts and minds of every small child as a hero that could only be compared to Superman.

Or Spider-man.

Or some other lame hero.

Like the Green Lantern.

Hahaha.

Silly man.

--

Don't ask.

Because I aim to dissapoint everyone.


	8. Batman and Joker Team Up!

I tried harder on this one, just so you know.

Damn, is it just me or is MadTV taking forever to come on? Jeesh.

Well, this chapter has a suprise plot twist! Hope you guys enjoy. Reviews are greatly appreciated.

And, and and. Does my gender really matter? I keep getting e-mails and what not of people asking me what I am. I'm slightly worried though, that if I tell everyone, that it will somehow influence how many reviews I get. Fo realz.

I am curious to know what you guys think I am, though.. Hahah.

Anyways,

DISCLAIMER! I DONT OWN TDK.

--

"Batman! Are you okay!" Joker yelled, pulling him off of a taxicab.

"I'm just fine.. This girl broke my fall." Batman said, getting up off of Lindsay and wiping blood and other assorted organs off of his cape. Her face was twisted in a scream, eyes shot open in fear. She probably would've survived if the two hundred and five pound Batman hadn't used her frail body as a cushion, but that's neither here nor there.

"Why so serious, Lindsay?" Joker joked (Tehe) , smacking a hand hard against her head.

Her head fell off onto the concrete, rolling along the sidewalk towards a small boy, whose face paled.

"Oh my god.." Joker whispered. "She's dead."

Batman quickly grabbed the mourning Joker and dragged him off into an alleyway. Couldn't risk the cops finding them, being wanted vigilantes and all. Besides, how long do you think those pretty boys would last in prison before getting.. You know..

Beaten up?

C'mon, get those minds out of the gutter.

"We have to rescue Mary-Sue!" Batman growled huskily, heading towards the secret hide-out that was only a minutes walk away from Wayne Manor.

"Wait.. How do you know about her kidnapping, Batsy? I'm the one who found the note!" Joker said, shocked.

"Oh. Yeah. Well anyway, I knew it all along. Because uhm.. Oh hey, here we are!" Batman stopped in front a spooky looking warehouse.

Wait a minute.. What was a warehouse doing in the middle of the rich side of Gotham anyway. Come to think of it, who the hell invented the idea of a warehouse, anyway? What do you even do with a warehouse?

HUH?

HUH?

The Joker nodded, and he and Batman opened the doors with a loud rumble, exposing the warehouses' inner depths. Inside, it was relatively empty aside from one man and Mary-Sue's ever glowing hot body.

"Bruce!" She cried out, fighting to get away from the…

Scarecrow?

"I wanted to be in the story too!" Scarecrow pouted, holding tightly to Mary-Sue's arm.

"The Scarecrow! I should've known all along!" Batman growled, teeth clenched.

"Why'd you do it, you sick bastard?" Joker yelled, a menacing look on his face.

"Well.. Ever since the new movie, it's like I never existed! Three shitty lines in the new one, and then poof! I'm gone! Well I'm not gonna take this crap, you're all going to write stories about me, Dr. Crane! I mean.. The Scarecrow! Or else Mary-Sue's gonna get a lethal dosage of my fear serum!" He cackled manically, holding his sides as he did.

"Well no duh," Joker spat. "You're the dumbest villain ever created. A scarecrow? Come on. Scarecrows aren't scary. You're just a creepy skinny guy that graduated from medical school and got pissed off because he's still in debt from all those college loans. Lame." Joker frowned, rolling his eyes.

Batman giggled.

"What!" Scarecrow snapped. "Scarecrows are too scary!"

"To birds, maybe." Batman rolled his eyes.

"Well at least I don't sound like the love child of Clint Eastwood and a grizzly bear! Really Batman, could your voice get any stupider?! Besides, a forty something year old man dressing up as a Bat isn't scary! It's a sad, pitiful cry for attention! Call the white coats, we've got another man that needs to be shipped to the funny farm!" Scarecrow hissed.

Joker giggled, as a tear rolled down Batman's face.

"I'm only in my thirties.."

"And you!" Scarecrow snapped. "What the hell?! A CLOWN?! WHAT THE FUCK MADE YOU SO ANGRY, ANYWAY? FAIL CLOWN COLLEGE AND DECIDE TO GO ON A KILLING RAMPAGE!"

"Hey!" Joker wailed. "I didn't fail.. I dropped out.." He kicked his foot in the dirt, looking ashamed.

Batman began all out sobbing, and Scarecrow walked over to pat his shoulder. "Look, who cares if you're getting a little old? Or have estranged vocal chords? Or a tiny dick? Plenty of women will still want you. Mainly the Joker." Scarecrow motioned to the cross-dressing clown, who looked shocked.

"I'm not gay!" His voice cracked.

"He's in denial." Mary-Sue spoke up from afar, sighing.

"DAMMIT WOMAN, I'M GONNA SLAP YOU!" Joker screamed, tugging at his hair.

"What made you so angry, Joker?" Scarecrow said in a soothing tone, caressing the side of The Joker's face tenderly.

"Well.." He began. "You know those Charmin commercials? With the bears?"

They all gave a knowing nod.

"The one where the little bear has pieces of toilet paper struck all over his butt and she has to vacuum them to get them all off… WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TOILET PAPER WERE THEY USING? HUH?" He shrieked, lashing out everywhere. "I DEMAND TO KNOW!"

Scarecrow stared.

"Who actually watches commercials that intently?"

"Speaking of asses.." Batman said, grinning. "Anyone seen American Psycho? Where I walk into the shower and you get to see me.. Up close and personal?"

Mary-Sue giggled, and the Joker nodded knowingly.

"No. Ever seen Red Eye?" Scarecrow asked.

"Red Eye? What the hell. That movie sucked. The only good thing about it was seeing your hot self on the screen." The Joker pointed to the Scarecrow with a frown.

Scarecrow ripped his mask off, staring hotly at the Joker. "You.. You really mean it?"

"Shhhh…" Joker pressed a single finger to Dr. Crane's delicate pink lips. "Don't say another word…" And then they kissed!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Batman shrieked, grabbing the scrawny author from the randomly placed computer in the warehouse.

"NO MORE SLASH, YOU FREAK!" Then shook Dallas violently.

"Jeesh." Dal frowned. "I bet someone out there liked it."

Batman then punched both the Joker and The Scarecrow, and ran up to rescue the ever neglected Mary-Sue.

Teardrops race down her face, beautiful blonde hair cascading down her shoulders lighting up the entire room with her fluorescent beauty. Her lips were placed in a perfect pout, blue eyes glistening as bright as any star could ever dream to be.

"Mary-Sue, I'll save you!" He hurriedly pulled at the chains that appeared out of nowhere, holding the poor blonde down.

"You've got to hurry, there's no time! He's placed a bomb in here.. Just leave and save yourself!" She cried out miserably.

"No! I can't.. Without you, there's no point in me being alive. You're the cheese to my nachos. The Starsky to my Hutch. The Ninja to my turtles. The broom to my-"

"Enough already!" Scarecrow snapped, shooting Batman!

What a twist!

"I've had enough of this! You're all idiots! I'm going to throw a gallon of my fear serum into your water supplies and kill all of you!" He squealed, punching the Joker's lights out.

"Hey." Joker frowned. "Those were my eco-light bulbs from Wal-Mart."

"Enough of Dallas's stupid puns!" He shrieked, bitch-slapping the Joker and hurriedly running from the warehouse.

"Joker! Help me pull off these restraints! We've got to save Mary-Sue!"

Joker nodded, magically pulling the key from nowhere and unlocking everything. They all then ran from the ticking time bomb of a warehouse all slow motion like, and jumped as the explosion went off.

Millions of people died in Gotham that night.

"Have you ever wanted to rent a gorilla suit, and then run through an old folk's home and see how many people you could give heart attacks?" Joker asked Batman, who was growing dizzier by the second from his bullet wound.

"Joker! That's sick!" Mary-Sue frowned, holding onto Batman for support. Because she'd also been shot. And was growing weaker by the second. And she currently wanted a cheeseburger.

"We've got to stop the Scarecrow." Batman growled. "Joker, Mary-Sue, we've got to round up everyone we can to save Gotham!"

"Well. We could get my twin sister..." Mary-Sue said slowly.

Joker and Batman gasped!

"Her name.. Is Angry-Sue. She's currently in Arkham. She'll know what to do." Mary-Sue said softly.

And so it was decided.

They went to McDonald's and grabbed some burgers.

Then went off to Arkham.

--


	9. Enter AngrySue!

Did you know… Joker's character was based of the villain in the 1940's silent film, "The man who laughs"?

Okay, a little rant.

Everyone, all over a variety of sites are saying how much the elder Batman movies sucked. You know, The Dark Knight and Batman begins wouldn't be near what it is without Tim Burton's version. Before then, Batman was some silly fruit in a blue and grey uniform. So don't talk crap about Tim. Tim is a badass.

However, Michael Keaton I can do without.

I do however love Jack Nicholson. He is also a badass. xD

George Clooney I can live without...

Thinking about Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson together makes me wanna vomit out my organs. haha!

Lmao.

HERES THE CHAPTER.

WTF.

I DON'T OWN THE DARK KNIIIGGHHHT.

--

"I kissed a girl and I liked it… The taste of her cherry chap stick! I kissed a girl just to try it, hope my boyfriend don't mind it.." Joker sang, spinning around in the streets. A few wolf whistles came from men passing by as the skirt flew up a little high, showing off some of his thigh. Look at those rhymes. Skills!

Batman frowned, carrying Mary-Sue now. Being with a drag queen was bad enough.. But a singing drag queen? He was losing his damned mind! Even more so than before!

"Joker, shut the hell up before I have to slap a ho." Batman threatened the Joker, who spit his tongue out childishly.

"Why? Jealous of my working vocal chords, Grizzly Adams?" Joker spat.

"Oh that's it. You're dead-" Batman snarled, pulling a machete?!

"HOLY HELL! WHERE WERE YOU KEEPING THAT THING, MAN?!" Joker flipped out, jumping backwards.

"Hey!" Mary-Sue spoke up weakly. Her bullet wound was getting bad now, gushing massive amounts of blood that washed over Batman like an awesome wave…

Ew. Haha.

"It's Arkham. Angry-Sue is here… She's the only one that can stop the Scarecrow now.." Mary-Sue mumbled, with the utmost hope in her sister.

"Maybe we could just call the authorities. It might not be too late, plus.." Joker shrugged. "It would save us the trouble of breaking out your sister and committing a felony. Let's to things the legal way!" Joker winked, shooting Batman a thumbs up sign.

Batman flashed Joker a different kind of sign, then started up the steps. "No, that would be too simple. The Scarecrow would see it coming, plus, it's too logical for this type of story. We have to go to extremes to make things as impossible as we can. And apparently every cop is a complete and utter moron in this town." Batman nodded towards to patrol men that were grunting at each other, then stoning a little old lady to death.

"Plus, I feel like a badass breaking into an asylum."

Joker rolled his eyes, stomping up the steps in his high heels.

Entering the building, absolutely no security went off. In fact, all the guards had taken a vacation. And instead of doors that required a certain key to enter, everything was wide open and as easy as possible to walk through. They also allowed the patients to freely walk through, even play with the security equipment like tazers and other assorted instruments of medieval torture.

Joker looked shifty eyed. "Have asylums always been like this..?"

"Must be as illogical as possible!" Batman growled.

They soon entered a room that said, "Caution! Crazy Bitch".

"This is it." Mary-Sue said, suddenly her bullet wound was magically healed, not even leaving a scar on her perfect porcelain skin, and she entered the room.

A black-haired angel looked up, beautiful blue eyes glistening. She was in a straight jacket, a mad look in her eyes. Not mad like angry. Mad like… crazy? She had lovely, luscious lips, and the most perfect and flawless skin you've ever seen.

"She's not like all the other girls, she's special. Crazy, insane. Even more insane than the Joker. She enjoys chaos and going on murderous rampages.. She can also start fires with her mind and telekinesis, see into the future, blow things up with her mind, and has psychic abilities. Will anyone ever be able to tame her tortured and wild heart?" Mary-Sue said.

"Are you asking me a question?" Joker asked, cocking a brow.

All three of them laughed, slapping their knees at the hilarity.

"No silly billy banana philly wo-willy!" She giggled, twirling around.

Joker and Batman quickly worked at removing Angry-Sue's restraints.

"You guys should stay away from me." Angry-Sue said darkly. "I'm bad news."

Joker rolled his eyes, and Batman eyed her eerily.

"What made you such a badass, anyway?" Joker snorted.

"I punch babies and kick three-legged puppies. I like to kill middle-aged men because I was raped when I was in the womb. I like to cut out my victim's organs and boil them with a side of glazed carrots. I also cut the sides of my victim's mouths into a smile…" She stared off into space in that evil way when you know shits about to go down.

Joker stared.

"How is that even possible..?"

Angry-Sue glared at Joker with such an animalistic ferocity he shook in his heels.

"You don't know real pain! Do you see these scars?!" She screamed, pointing to her wrists.

"What scars?" Joker questioned, brow raised. There was nothing there?

"It's because my parents never loved me! They dropped me off at the asylum thinking it was a daycare and never came back! No one has ever loved me! I just want to feel.. Emotions, something besides hate and kill."

"Kill isn't an emotion." Joker frowned.

"SILENCE!" She screamed, blowing up cars with her leet psychic skills.

"Angry-Sue, Do you know why we-"

"Brought you?" She finished.

"Yeah, we need to hunt down the-"

"Scarecrow." She finished again.

"How the hell do you-"

"Get those stains out of the carpet?" She finished again.

"Uh… No? How do you keep finishing my-"

"Baked potato." She said.

"Stop doing-"

"My sister."

Batman stopped asking her things now, staring at Angry-Sue. "Wow. You really do have psychic abilities."

"She's so amazing." Mary-Sue agreed.

"I gotta take a piss like Sea biscuit over here." Joker shiftily looked around for a restroom.

"Where will he be, Angry-Sue? Can you see where he's going to dump the fear serum into the water supply assuring our imminent doom? I mean sure, we could just stop drinking water and possibly just drink bottled from out of town, but that's also too logical for this story."

Mary-Sue gave a knowing nod.

"No.. I'm sorry." Angry-Sue looked down, ashamed. "My visions only come when they're unneeded. However, I do know what you did with those three hookers a few nights ago. Is that why you don't drive the bat mobile anymore?"

"What hookers.." Batman said edgily.

"You know, the ones in the bat mobile trunk?"

"What bat mobile?" He then punched her, and she hit the ground with a soft thud, because she's so frail and beautiful, like a fallen goddess or angel from the sky.

"Oh no. She's fainted." Batman said, looking around.

"Eh. Suuure…" Joker spoke, emotionlessly.

"Now what will we do?" Mary-Sue sighed.

"Go to a rave party?" Joker suggested, clinging to lime green and purple glo-sticks.

"No… I've got a better idea. We need to talk to Lucious, now let's go! THUNDERCATS, HO!" He screeched, flapping his batwings and carrying Angry-Sue off.

"He's so dreamy!" Mary-Sue said, eyes sparkly.

"Yeah…" Joker agreed, hands clasped over his heart.

--


	10. WHAT THE EFFFFF

Don't ask.

DISCLAIMER!! I DON'T OWN THE DARK KNIGHT.

--

Licking my lips, I grinned to myself in the mirror. No longer in drag, despite the fact I look quite snazzy. Haha.. Snazzy. My father used that word. Or was it my grandpa. Or my sister. Or the milk man.. That bastard. Busting a milk bottle and cutting the sides of my face to pieces.. I swear I'll get him back someday. And then I'll murder his family and take a nice, hot bath in their blood. Then sell their organs to the needy masses of organ-needing orphans.

Wait a minute.

No I won't.

Because I'm…

A clown.

Yeah. Fixing my tie up a bit, I slicked my hair back. Want to know how my life's going so far? Well to damn bad because you're going to hear about my life anyway. You see, you're all reading this because you know I look sexy in drag and can't get enough of the cheesey Batman fanfics, written by people with no life.

I'm currently traveling with Mary-Sue, who I'm utterly and completely in love with. Never have I loved a woman as much as I love her, we enjoy everything together. Flying kites, having picnics, hugging small one-legged monkey children.. Yeah, we're perfect for each other.

Then there's Angry-Sue. Who I'm also madly in love with. Yes, it's possible to be in love with two people. We also enjoy the same things. Setting off bombs, poisoning food supplies, and mauling the small one-legged monkey children. Yeah, we're perfect for each other.

And then, there's Batman. We enjoy… Wait a minute. Do we have anything in common? Yeah, we're perfect for each other.

Giggling madly to myself and attracting Batsy's attention.. I do love how he seems to turn his head in slow motion. That might be because of my blinding good looks. Or the fact the suit won't let him turn his neck. I think it's the first. "Batsy.." I began, licking the sides of my face. Then I licked them again. Drool was now coming out of my mouth so I spat everywhere all over his suit, him giving me the occasional remark… It only proved his love for me.

"You cross-dressing scar-faced sack of…"

Oh, his love lines again. My heart fluttered. For a moment, I wondered if he was actually badmouthing me. But then again, no one could really understand what that blubbering oath ever said.. I'm thinking it was the steroids. Or the throat tumor. Or perhaps many years of chain-smoking.

Whatever it was, it made him all the more irresistible.

"Batsaaaaay. I'm pregnant."

Batman then mumbled other things I couldn't understand.

"And you're the father!"

Mary-Sue and Angry-Sue gasped.

"Chut up!" Batman screamed.

WA-POW! I slapped Batman with my ferocious fist of fury.

Try saying that five times fast.

I dare you.

Did you do it?

If you did, did it sound anything like--

"Orange chicken flied rice?"

Because that's what I got when I said it.

No not really.

It just sounded like gibberish.

Speaking of gibberish, I know recalled a shaving accident that had left me horribly scarred on my lips. I'll never forget the day…

Now going off into my dream phase, I suddenly remembered a joke.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, and they both start drinking. The giraff drinks too much and passes out on the floor. The man has one last beer, then turns to get up and the bartender says,

"Hey! Are you just gonna leave that lyin' on the floor?"

And the man looks down and says..

"That's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

"AHAHHAHAA!" I cackled loudly, alarming my three's company. My tres companeros, my Optimous prime… Rib.

"Joker, shut the hell up and let's get on with catching the scarecrow."

"You go it Smokey…" I chuckled. Oh, ho ho. Chuckled. I've always hated the word chuckled. Just because I hate the name Chuck. It sounds like some redneck trucker that married three of his cousins and has five inbred children in the Ozarks.

He also has a dog named Spot.

Stifling a laugh, I wrapped my arms around both Mary-Sue and Angry-Sue. Ah, they were so soft and smelled so good…

"Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" An old man grumbled, knocking me over and hobbling off down the street.

"I WILL END YOU!" I screamed, stomping my foot, which had a butterfly effect. Sorry Japanese people, expect a tsunami in the next.. Two million years. Oh, I'll be waiting.

I'll be waiting.

Batman soon got tired of my lolly gagging, and dragged me off somewhere more private….

The Scarecrow's hideout. That I'd known all along. Me and him were pals back in college, in fact we'd both joined the football team. And the drill team and cheer squad, but that's another story.

Yeah, we were quite amazing back in the good old days.

I remember graduating.

Three weeks ago.

My, how time flies by.

--


	11. The Death Of AngrySue!

You ever notice when you call the internet company about having problems, and they ask you if your computer is connected?

HOLY HELL.

THAT NEVER CROSSED MY MIND.

TO PLUG IT IN.

I WOULD'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

Idiots.

DISCLAIMER! I DON'T OWN TDK

--

It was snowing really hard now, and the gang had been caught in it on the street, slowly trudging onward to meet their fantastic and dangerous current goal.

"Hey.. Since when does it snow here? It only rains. Or is cloudy.. Or really dark. And when the hell did my bullet wound heal, anyway?" Batman asking, touching himself.

Where the bullet had hit him.

Below the belt.

On his left kneecap.

"All aboard the fail boat! Whoot whoot!" Mary-Sue said happily, spinning around.

Angry-Sue frowned. "I think Dal added snow to be original, but clearly failed because snow is merely a product of water, which makes it just frozen fluffy bits of water constantly getting into my eye sockets and filling them with toxic waste because Gotham is extremely polluted."

"If this snow keeps up, I'm having dinner with the Donnor Party and eating you all ALIVE!" Joker cackled, throwing a snowball at Angry-Sue, who stopped abruptly.

She turned around, eyes glowing red.

Joker gulped…

Down a slurpee.

"What are you gonna do, bitch? You're just a girl. And girls have absolutely no power in these stories." He sighed, shaking his head. "But maybe someday, some girl will kick my ass.. And I'll enjoy every minute of it." He grinned.

"I… HATE YOU!" She sobbed wildly, dropping to her knees in a fit of teenage angst. Because being over-emotional and bitchy is surprisingly cute. Or so it says in all the stories.

That day, Joker's icy heart melted reveling its soft and moist inner core.

"Angry-Sue," He batted his eyelashes, "I've never loved a woman as much as you."

Then he pulled out a guitar?!

"Angry-Sue, I love you. With your eyes so blue.. And red. And purple. I like to make you smile, but only for a while, because you usually frown. I love it when you wear your nightgown.. To bed. With your ex-boyfriend, named Fred. Fred.. Fred… Is dead." He strummed, smiling. "Because I killed him… Killed him.. Killed him, because he got in the way of my love with you. I made a sweater out of his hair, and bought you a teddy bear… Named Bob… For apples at the circus, circus where you met me… And Patrick.. Swayze."

Millions of girls clapped all over the world at the emotional and heart-warming song that moved the hearts and minds of so many people.

Mary-Sue wiped away tears. Never had she heard such an amazing song in her life. For a moment, she almost wished she loved him again.. Just for once, to hold his beautiful hand in hers again and feel his eyes go up and down her body in that creepy way that did. Like the stalker-ish way. Like the way all girls want to be looked at.

I guess.

Mary-Sue realized.. She had to kill off her sister. She couldn't let another Sue roam around and try and steal her man.. Men! Hell no! She was the only perfect girl that could fit in this story, in fact.. Scratching her head she realized.. She had to kill every single girl in the world. No girl would ever take away the chances of her having her men.

Although she didn't believe in violence, she did believe in capping some bitches every once and a while, and she knew the perfect man to kill every single girl in Gotham, anyway.

He went by A-Wizzle.

But his real name was…

"HAI MARY-SUE LOLOL WE ARE KICKING ASS IN THIS BIATCH, MIGHT WANNA CRACK DOWN AND TAKE A WHACK AT THIS HOOO, YA MEEEE?" Joker laughed, jumping up and down and kicking the Scarecrow over and over.

Oh, she must've been so consumed in her thoughts she'd forgotten they had to stop the Scarecrow.

"WHERE IS HE?!" Batman shrieked, obviously angry. Or constipated. You know what, at this point I think it's anybody's guess what the hell is wrong with him.

Joker sighed, turning Batman around to see the bloody, mauled body of the Scarecrow, who was hurt. Really badly.

"Joker.. I think I'm going to have to break my one rule to stop this madman." Batman said, pulling out a battle-axe.

Joker nodded grimly, understanding.

He then began to unbutton his shirt to sexy techno music.

"JOKER, WHAT THE HELL!?" Batman yelled, eyes twitching. "The only thing worse than thinking about a creepy clown is being raped by the creepy clown!"

"SHUT IT YOU PHANY BANDIT!" Joker snapped, stamping his foot in anger.

"BUTT PIRATE!"

"ASS HAT!" Joker yelled back.

"Woah woah woah." Batman said, dropping the axe and pulling out a gun.

"Hey, I've decided.. To change my life, and just be a doctor. I've realized that killing is bad, and I'm going to change, I pro-"

Batman shot him a total of thirty seven times, which is kinda hard because a pistol only holds about twelve bullets. Or so it says in the Silent Hill games. Don't question me.

"You just said Ass-hat? Hahaha!" Batman laughed, full and hearty.

"Yeah, I guess that was pretty silly, huh?" He giggled, joining in the laughter.

They laughed so hard they drowned at the screams of Angry-Sue's horrible and gruesome death. Alas I'm lazy and don't feel like typing out a death scene, so just use your imaginations. I like to imagine the killer ripped off her limbs and beat her with them.

But maybe that's just me.

Batman and Joker gasped! Seeing Angry-Sue lying dead on the floor, Mary-Sue standing next to her shifty eyed, mouthing 'I didn't kill her'.

"What happened!" Batman asked.

"Oh my god.." Joker said, walking over to her mangled corpse and prodding her with a ten inch kantana he just happened to find. "She's dead."

Batman held the emotionally disturbed clown, who was sobbing wildly.

"I'll get whoever did this to you, Angry-Sue! I swear I'll get revenge!" Joker cried, clinging to the immensely buff Batman.

"Shhh, it's okay. At least we can say we tried to save her. Now.. Who wants some ice cream!" Batman announced happily, giving everyone a hi-five.

So they left Angry-Sue and Scarecrow to rott, and happily skipped off for ice-cream.

At twelve at night.

In a snowstorm.

Yeah.

--


	12. The Plot To End All Plots

Okay, okay. Updates are getting pretty bad on this.. I've been procrastinating. But oh my god, listen to this dream… No, this horrible nightmare I had.

Okay. It rained a lot today, rain makes me sleepy, etc. So I took a nap.

A nap…

OF DEATH.

I dreamed I… I… -clutches heart- Deflowered a Jonas brother.

OH MY GOD. It wasn't realistic, (THANK YOU GOD) But I got the idea that's what I did. I know I did. The odd thing my and his clothes were on. What the hell?

I woke up and contemplated ending my life.

HAHAHAHAHA!!

But anyway, weird news? The Jonas Brothers are actually moving to my town. NO WAI, RIGHT? Yes, way. The richer side of my tiny town in Texas, mind you, but they're going to be there.

I'm sickened.

I hope to god my dream doesn't become reality.

DISCLAIMER! I DON'T OWN THE DARK KNIGHT!

--

I gazed upon the many rows of vials, smiling to myself. Because frowning causes wrinkles, and I can't have that. The signs in the science room told me to keep my hands, eyes, legs, feet and other assorted vital parts of my body but I always have to have skin showing so to hell with safety precautions.

I invented science.

We trained scientists don't need your silly rules.

I rolled up my tiny black mini-skirt, making sure there was no way I could trip and hurt myself. Or risk falling into a vat of explosive chemicals. Or spill coffee on my delicate, perfect, creamy white skin.

Or other things that could jeopardize my appearance.

My mission and reason for entering this place of random deadly chemicals that could destroy the world that were free for any civilian to use as they pleased?

To kill every single girl in the world.

Even the unborn ones.

Because I'm good like that.

Mixing thousands of chemicals and making sure everything was just right to throw into the water system of Gotham, I smiled and patted my head gingerly.

Damn I'm smart.

I stirred the liquid slowly, disturbing vats of gas creeping from it. It would probably give me horrible medical problems when I'm older, but I'll be ugly then so I don't really care. Life will have no purpose.

Finally finishing my poisonous concoction, I stopped. Could I really do this? Could I really murder billions and billions of girls just for my own selfish reasons? Should I feel so happy about taking my sister's life, my own flesh and blood.. Well, not exactly my own flesh and blood. I happen to know for a fact mine is much more superior than hers could ever be.

Giggling to myself, I made billions of copies that I dumped into the water supply.

Actually, I just drained them down the sink because I have no idea where to find out where the main supply of water for the city was. Tossing a vacation brochure aside that read 'All important sites of the city that could devastate everyone by dumping poisonous chemicals in, tours', I smiled.

Yes, my plan was going into action.

Now all I had to do was contact A-Wizzle, and all would be accounted for.

Walking outside on the street, careful to pass by any women that were slightly bigger than me who's husbands couldn't keep their eyes astray, I entered the library of Gotham.

Smiling, I walked over to the communications side of the library. For a moment, I wondered why devices you could use to talk to people could be found in a library, but I shrugged it off. The librarian clearly made a pass at me, asking me if I'd like to know where the romance novels were.

Silly librarian.

Entering the phone booth, I looked around to make sure it was safe. Somebody was going to try to rape me in this secluded part of the library.

I just knew it.

"Rape, rape, rape.." A middle-aged man said, sniffing around the floor for any beautiful girls, like myself.

Billions followed him, carrying torches and pitchforks.

Gotham was a dangerous town.

And I was going to call the man that made it… Dangerous-er.

"Yo A-Wizzle!" I said into the phone. I hadn't actually dialed anything, but the telephone knew I was insanely beautiful so it dialed him for me.

"Wassup bitch!" The familiar, loving voice answered. "Where my money?"

Hahaha, he had mistaken me for one of his ho's! I laughed silently to myself. Honestly, who could ever mistake me for a ho? Looking down at my current attire of stilettos, a tiny skirt, and dish rags that I fashioned into a very small tank-top.

I'm poor you know.

"I need you to drop chemicals to kill every female in the world!" I whispered into the phone.

"What?"

"I need you to drop chemicals to kill every female in the world!" I repeated.

"WHAT!"

"I need you to drop chemicals to kill every female in the world!" I screeched, the glass in the phone booth breaking from the sheer harmony of my voice.

People kind of stared, then smiled.

"Hey Mary-Sue! Plotting death to every female in the world I see. We love ya, kid!" A man chuckled, holding his wife and newborn baby daughter.

Imma call her Poohead.

"I understand what you're saying, I just can't believe you'd ask me to do it. I'm going to need a lot of the stuff, you know."

I nodded.

"You know.. The stuff?"

"Yeah. The stuff."

"Jellybeans."

--


	13. Batman's Past Explored!

Yeah, so school started and all that jazz. I'm really trying hard because I want to be the first person in my family to go to college, therefore all my time has been consumed into studying and practice my art to possibly get a free scholarship.

Yeah..

And my funny has kinda been sucked out. The person I've been in love with for quite some time used me, and I think it's kind of messed me up mentally.. A lot.

No worries though, I'll update time to time when I can.

Okay, Disclaimer!

Don't own the dark knight never will blah blah to lazy to capitalize the dark knight..

--

Batman stood inside the bat cave, looking rather insane as usual. He's a grown man dressed as a bat, okay? What the hell kind of person dresses up as an animal? Okay, furries, yeah, but besides that?

Anyway, Batman was angst-y as usual because that's all he ever is in this stories, when his sex drive isn't through the roof because of all the Mary-Sues. Oh come on, you know it's true. Don't give me that look.

I took a shower today.

Bruce was remembering that fateful night, the one fateful night out of all those other random fateful nights where his parents were killed.

It was a tragic night, but not more tragic than Rachel's death because he loved Rachel a tiny bit more than his parents. You know what, screw that.

Bruce loved money.

He loved it good.

It was the tragic play, the play of doom, the play to end all plays. Hell, let's make it a musical.

It was…

Singing in The Rain.

No, it was actually Sweeney Todd.

Want to know how he got those scars? Bruce knew. Joker was a born a poor boy, who always wanted to tap dance. It was his night, but sadly Sweeney when a bit crazy with the blades and scarred Joker's beautiful, luscious, red..

Bruce licked his lips, taking a bite out his juicy chicken wing.

Hm, would that be considered cannibalism? I suppose not, I guess chickens are more reptilian. They are cold blooded, and bats are mammals, so…

Any who, Joker was scarred for life and bleeding everywhere so Bruce's parents took him outside. Not because they didn't want Bruce to see the potentially life-scarring event, it was because they needed a smoke.

SMOKE.

It wasn't cigarettes either.

It was…

Cigars.

I know what you all were thinking, and you were wrong. Does it make you feel sad to be wrong? Do you feel unaccomplished?

Let me just inhale that shame of yours.

Mmmmmm.

Delicious.

"Bruce my boy, we're filthy rich, me and your mom. I'm sorry, but you were an accident, you were never supposed to even be born!" He gave a full and hearty laugh. "In fact, your mom was going to get an abortion but it was too late because we were in the delivery room and your being was thrust onto us. Damn woman, I thought it was just the Twinkies but no, it was your ugly carcass coming to form within her fat gut."

Bruce shed a tear that day.

"Oh and your friend Rachel only hangs out with you because we pay her, in fact she hates you too. She says you're ugly and you smell, and your face looks like a butt. Don't take it personally, some people are just given natural beauty. Like Harvey Dent, for instance." Bruce's father stifled tears. "That is one fine lookin' boy. Way better than you will ever be, well in fact-"

"THIS IS A ROBBERY!" A random bum with a gun stumbled up. "Give me all your jewelry and no one's gonna get hurt, okay?" The bum smiled, ruffling Bruce's hair. "I could never separate a boy from his parents. Family is an important thing is this society today, in fact, I never knew my father. That's why I'm a hopeless drunken bum. Stay in school!"

Bruce's father and mother smiled, handing over every single expensive item that was on them.

"Have a nice night!" The crazy bum smiled and waved, walking off.

"OH HELL NO!" Bruce had screamed, stealing the gun and blowing his parents away in a matter of seconds.

Bruce frowned, now finishing off a sandwich. Is that how it had happened?

Hmmm.

Random lights flashing, Bruce stood up his cape all flutter-y.

"OH NO! THIS RANDOM LIGHTS INDICATE DANGER!" He yelled, slamming his fist onto his computer.

A screen that conveniently showed every single girl in the world killing over in a matter of seconds popped up, and Bruce couldn't believe his eyes.

"WHO COULD DO THIS?! WHAT MONSTER HAS KILLED OFF ALL THE WOMEN?!" Bruce said in frustration, pulling out clumps of his hair from the very anger that boiled his blood!

I'd hate to be the next person to piss him off!

"Girl scout cookies," A girl chimed, walking up to Bruce.

BLAM BLAM BLAM

Gunshots!

GASP!

DEATH OF A SALESMAN!

Which is also a play.

Bruce munched cookies over the corpse of the small child, frowning.

"I'VE GOT TO STOP THIS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! MARY-SUE, I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!"

And with that he was gone from the Bat cave in a flash.

Wait, how'd the girl scout get in there…?

--


	14. Why So Cereal?

WHY SO CEREAL?

Okay, Uhm… Well, This is an update.

I think.

I recently barrowed a copy of the original "Silent Hill", so I'm thinking I might make a… DUN DUN DUN.. Self-Insert fic sometime soon.

LOLZ

DISCLAIMER: DON'T OWN TDK

--

Mary-Sue's long, tasseled dress flowed in the non-existent Gotham City smog filled wind, as blood and mass-destruction filled the streets. She would've laughed maniacally, but she was too good for that.

She was too good for everything.

Mary-Sue was too good for this planet.

This Solar System.

This author's mind.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!" Dallas shrieked, spinning around the streets and blowing up inside a preschool. Small children frowned, then danced around with my assorted organs.

Mmmm.

Do I love pancakes.

"We've got to stop Mary-Sue!" Batman growled ferociously, like any other bat. Bats sure are ferocious. This one time, at band camp…

I mean, on the Discovery Channel I saw some bats.

They roared a lot, and hunted small striped horses to feed their young carnivorous children.

Wait a minute… Maybe those were lions.

No, they were bats.

I would remember.

"That's not a normal voice.." Joker croaked, eyeing Batman suspiciously.

"That's the voice of SATAN!!" Then began soaking Batman in holy water, accompanied by many small cats singing Christmas carols.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! WE'VE GOT TO STOP HER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! We have to save the last female in the world so we can keep the amazing human race alive!" Tears glinted in the senile man's eyes, as many people below danced around in the carnage and sang country music songs.

"Oh no.." Batman glowered, staring below at the madness.

MADNESS!

"What is it, Batawannyfofannymanny?" Joker questioned, staring at the scene.

"Enough with the silly nick-names, clowny the browny! We've got to--"

"What the hell?" Joker crossed his arms. "No you did not."

"Did not what?" Batman asked.

"That was lame. I mean, ew. I've never been so insulted in all my life. DO NOT WANT." Joker walked off, deserting Batman in a pool of angst.

"WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LOVE ME!" Having a sissy-fit, he then remembered back to the time he lived in the orphanage..

Smiling, he remembered the wonderful friends and happy moments he'd shared with all the other orphan children. Let's see, there was the girl with the peg-leg.. And the boy with the creepy sack on his head..

Wait a minute.

Scratching his chin of super-ness, he remembered he liked the movie Pan's Labyrinth much better and would have rather have lived there.

"I WANNA BE A PRINCESS!" He sailed off the building, in the giant gay cowboy community that was rapidly growing.

"One of us.. One of us.." The cried out, dancing around the batman.

Mary-Sue stepped admist the raving male crowd, grinning maliciously. "It doesn't take much to take over the literature world, does it?" Sniggering, she slowly climbed through the masses of female body's strewn about.

"It starts with fanfics.. And now, now I've grown to take over the world. I have many forms," she stroked her beautiful, thick, better than yours, hair. "Books like Twilight, I've finally gripped hold of the world. Like a parasite, I've infected all of your minds. No one can stop me, not even…"

DA-DUN!

"ANGRY-SUE!" She shrieked, staring at the Gothic version of her.

"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!" She cried out, gripping her sister and dancing off into a void.

"Awe, but we went there last week.." Mary-Sue whined, as she was thrust into the random pit that apparently lead to Hell.

The Bad Place.

San Francisco, whatever you want to call it.

"Is it over?" A man asked.

"Yes.." Batman said, staring over the city in ruins.

"But how will we survive? There's no more females in the world.." A fat man trailed off.

"Dallas, the sick twisted author has made it this way. I guess now we're all gay. Well… Let's make this place.." Batman started.

"FABULOUS!!" All the men shrieked, in tight leather jeans and small see-through shirts.

The city of Gotham has never been nicer, with the King and Queen Joker and Batman.. Not necessarily in that order.

THE END.

--


End file.
